I was at a conference in Florida, and there I got the opportunity to listen to a lecture in which the book „The Sociopath Next Door – The Unscrupulous: Their Lies, Tactics, and Tricks“ by Martha Stout. The name stuck with me afterward, and I went out and bought it.
I read the whole book over one weekend. Before having read it, I thought that I had never dealt with sociopathic or narcissistic people. I thought that I had not met such people in my life – not even in my consulting practice. However, this was all changed after finishing the book.
How can you detect them?
According to US psychologists, to find out if someone is a narcissist without having to deal with extensive psychological tests, the mere questioning it is proof enough. The scientists interviewed more than 2,200 volunteers in this survey. The result was terrific, and it showed that direct demand was the easiest way to identify narcissists
Could you imagine out here in the world, people exiting among us who have no sense of conscience or empathy?
I couldn’t – or only with great difficulty. But I recognize them now. Such people were in my life and are still active in the lives of some of my clients. I have given them a name: ice flowers. I can always remember the foggy windows from my childhood and the frost that builds up in winter. Ice flowers live only at night, in the dark. They are beautiful, cold and unapproachable, because warmth and closeness dissolves them, and turns them into banal water or air – just like sociopaths
Sociopaths will not change.
But YOU can change! I know what I’m talking about. Psychopaths are often stimulating, exciting, loving, and so on around you at first. However, when they get too close to you, these traits dissolve more and more, and the other person appears.
I have always thought that treating sociopaths is only for psychiatrists and therapists who have gained knowledge on how to handle and treat such people. How wrong I was.
My concern here is not to diagnose people.
In this paper, I use the terms sociopath, psychopath, and narcissist interchangeably. While the above two terms are generally synonymous within the literature, narcissism is originally something else. However, the sufferings these people cause upon their partners are very similar for all.
In this paper, my point is to show you when caution is needed, how to heal if fallen as a victim for such a person and how I can prevent you from falling for in the same trap again. I write this paper in the male form. Sociopaths are said to be predominantly male, but of course, there are female cases, as well. Offenders are not only men but can also be women.
How can you recognize a sociopath?
On Wikipedia, there is a checklist created by Robert D. Hare. Psychopathy Checklist he called it, which has a list of the core features of a psychopathic personality:
- Selfish and exploiting, stable over the lifetime
- Tricky, articulate blender with superficial charm
- Significantly increased self-esteem
- Pathological lying (pseudology)
- Fraudulent-manipulative behavior
- Lack of remorse or guilt
- Superficial feelings
- Feeling cold, lack of empathy
- Lack of willingness and ability to take responsibility for one’s actions
- Need for stimulation (experience hunger), constant feeling of boredom
- Insufficient behavioral control
- Previous behavioral problems
- Lack of realistic, long-term goals
- Devaluation of other people
- Youth crime
- Violation of probation conditions for conditional release
- Many short-term marriage-like relationships
- Polytrophic (multifarious) crime
Depending on the characteristics of the person, these 20 criteria are rated with on a points scale from 0-2. With 0 meaning (no expression), 1 (partial expression) and 2 (full expression). Out of a total of 40 points possible, 25 is considered a high psychopathy value, and a result of 30 points and above has the diagnose psychopathy.
In literature, the frequency of sociopaths in society is described with a ratio of one to six people out of a hundred. There are many out there, and you certainly know someone with this personality structure. Psychiatrists primarily diagnose those who have become socially conspicuous if they have previously committed acts of stealing or other criminal activities.
Psychopaths can adapt to every situation, and most of them will probably never see a therapist or psychiatrist.
Psychopaths have feelings!
They live undetected among us because they don’t have any problems with themselves. It is always the others’ fault – perhaps you, being the way you are empathetic and with the inclination to see the good in people.
Psychopaths are not crazy, just different. They are sometimes brilliant; knowing what’s right and what’s wrong. They can also empathize with their counterparts in a purely rational way and take their perspective.
Feelings of fear or love seem to be diminished. The ability to feel compassion, guilt, or remorse does not exist.
Sociopaths are charming but unscrupulous. Instinctively they find the weaknesses of their fellow humans and exploit them. They are perfectly adapted predators.
Robert Hare notes in his book „Without Conscience“ that psychopaths become annoyed much faster than ordinary people because they have poor control over their impulses. A tantrum of a psychopath is usually emotional, cold, sudden, short-lived, and arbitrary.
Outbursts of anger are another way for a psychopath to demonstrate that he is in charge.
When psychopaths yell, offend, strike, or even wound and kill other people, they are aware of their behavior, also if they act opportunistically in the heat of the moment. They know that they harm others and even enjoy it.
Psychopaths do not believe that their wrong decisions (which are always justifiable and appropriate for them) can ever cause another person who was previously under their spell to expose or refuse their behavior. Even when they cheat, lie to, exploit, manipulate, or isolate others, they do not feel that they deserve negative consequences of any kind for their behavior.
For a psychopath, his central emotion is the feeling of contempt towards the people he deceives, uses, and abuses, as well as towards humanity as a whole.
Often psychopaths are unable to consider their interests. By pursuing fleeting pleasures and momentary whims, psychopaths also hinder their own lives. Only rarely do they lead a happy or successful life. They spend their entire lives hurting those who trust them, using and throwing away their partners, disappointing their families, friends, superiors, and peers, and moving from one meaningless distraction to the next. In the end, most of them are alone.
The heart-break-program: Overcome the feeling of a broken heart and heal yourself
If you have problems with this kind of person and you like to talk to someone or work on related issues feel free to call or write to me: With Zoom or WhatsApp 0049 77 4512080